Past tense

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses.
Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Wife wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Guess how many coins I have in my pocket

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)

Tell me a sentence that starts with an

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

A man is talking to God.

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

A very drunk man

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

When I was young

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

Am I the first man you have ever loved?

Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

If you give a man a fish

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

rumour (or gossip)

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

• Telegram
• Telephone
• Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

America on the map

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no booty and she's looking for her.

That hungry!!!

I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm.

I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen,

when the friend's wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen

at once and ran over to begin eating.

I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn !

I hope I never get that hungry."

A very drunk man

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another
very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says,
"Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers,
"I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.