At the Art Gallery

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting "Louvren" the famous
french museum. She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
"Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't belive that a
respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of
art in its collection."

"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a
painting, it's a mirror."

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no
booty and she's looking for her ex.

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no booty
and she's looking for her ex.

Rooster and Chicken

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: He was stapled to the chicken!

Refrigerator Evidence

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Deer meat

One day a family were sitting at dinner eating dear meat.
The dad said, " kids, if you can guess what we are eating
i will give you 10.00. So the 1st lil girl says, "chicken"
he says,"nope". the second child which is a boy says turkey?
he says no. He says i will give you one clue...
its something your mom calls me.
There was a long pause then the little girl says
CHARLIE SPIT THAT OUT YOUR EATING BUTTHOLE!!

Birds and the bees speech

It was a bright and cold winter morning,
Mom and sister were at the mall so
Dad decided it was a good time for a father and son chat about
"the birds and the bees" with his 10 year old boy.
"I don't want to know!"
the child cried, bursting into tears and runing away to his room.
The confused father followed, and as
his son lay face down on his bed sobbing,
dad asked what was wrong."Oh, Dad,
" the boy cried, "At age six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
"At age seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
"Then, at age 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex,
I've got NOTHING left to live for!"

Rooster and Peanut Butter

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

The Mountains

Do mountains have ears?...................................................
Yes mountaineers!!!!!!

Conversion

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out,

and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,

cost me a fortune to educate him.

Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi...

where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.

"Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith,

put him through University, cost me a fortune,

then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

whatttt?!?

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So Stupid

Yo mama's so stupid she rents a car so
she can go to the dealership to steal a car.

Even the Score

There are older sisters and younger brothers so
the womb will be pretty posh for the guy to live in.

So Fat

Yo mama's so fat when she ate a salad the world's rainforests went extinct.

Paying Rent

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep
with the  landlord because he lost
the rent money playing poker,
" the  housewife told a neighbor. 
"You didn't do it, did you?" 
"I have to admit I did --
though with certain misgivings,
I might  add. What I haven't done,
though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"

The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Who me

The teacher speaking to a student said,
"Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said,
"Who, me?"

Love is

Love is one long sweet dream,
and marriage is the alarm clock.

Cinderella be a good soccer player

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball,
and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and
that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

piano the play

A: Doctor, will I be able to play
the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

Two cows are standing in a field.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other
"Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says
"No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"