Past tense

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses.
Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Wife wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Guess how many coins I have in my pocket

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)

Tell me a sentence that starts with an

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

A man is talking to God.

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

A very drunk man

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

When I was young

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

Am I the first man you have ever loved?

Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

If you give a man a fish

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

rumour (or gossip)

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

• Telegram
• Telephone
• Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

America on the map

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no booty and she's looking for her.

That hungry!!!

I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm.

I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen,

when the friend's wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen

at once and ran over to begin eating.

I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn !

I hope I never get that hungry."

A very drunk man

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another
very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says,
"Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers,
"I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

At the Art Gallery

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting "Louvren" the famous
french museum. She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
"Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't belive that a
respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of
art in its collection."

"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a
painting, it's a mirror."

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no
booty and she's looking for her ex.

Lika a Pirate

Yo mama's like a broke-as* pirate 'cuz she's got no booty
and she's looking for her ex.

Rooster and Chicken

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: He was stapled to the chicken!

Refrigerator Evidence

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Deer meat

One day a family were sitting at dinner eating dear meat.
The dad said, " kids, if you can guess what we are eating
i will give you 10.00. So the 1st lil girl says, "chicken"
he says,"nope". the second child which is a boy says turkey?
he says no. He says i will give you one clue...
its something your mom calls me.
There was a long pause then the little girl says
CHARLIE SPIT THAT OUT YOUR EATING BUTTHOLE!!

Birds and the bees speech

It was a bright and cold winter morning,
Mom and sister were at the mall so
Dad decided it was a good time for a father and son chat about
"the birds and the bees" with his 10 year old boy.
"I don't want to know!"
the child cried, bursting into tears and runing away to his room.
The confused father followed, and as
his son lay face down on his bed sobbing,
dad asked what was wrong."Oh, Dad,
" the boy cried, "At age six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
"At age seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
"Then, at age 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex,
I've got NOTHING left to live for!"

Rooster and Peanut Butter

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

The Mountains

Do mountains have ears?...................................................
Yes mountaineers!!!!!!

Conversion

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out,

and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,

cost me a fortune to educate him.

Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi...

where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.

"Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith,

put him through University, cost me a fortune,

then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

whatttt?!?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

So Stupid

Yo mama's so stupid she rents a car so
she can go to the dealership to steal a car.

Even the Score

There are older sisters and younger brothers so
the womb will be pretty posh for the guy to live in.

So Fat

Yo mama's so fat when she ate a salad the world's rainforests went extinct.

Paying Rent

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep
with the  landlord because he lost
the rent money playing poker,
" the  housewife told a neighbor. 
"You didn't do it, did you?" 
"I have to admit I did --
though with certain misgivings,
I might  add. What I haven't done,
though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"

The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Who me

The teacher speaking to a student said,
"Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said,
"Who, me?"

Love is

Love is one long sweet dream,
and marriage is the alarm clock.

Cinderella be a good soccer player

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball,
and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and
that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

piano the play

A: Doctor, will I be able to play
the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

Two cows are standing in a field.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other
"Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says
"No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Am I the first man....

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered
"Why do men always ask the same question?".

America on the map.

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

What is the longest word

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer,
can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle.
Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to
colleagues.Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees,
and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time.
Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work,
sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high
 accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field.
I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee,
the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12
promoted to executive management,
and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:  That idiot was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

A guy steps into an elevator and...

A guy steps into an elevator and there's
just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for
his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says,
"Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart
is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."
She looks at him a few seconds and says,
"That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
 I'm in room 204."

Merry...ied talk

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th  wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she  replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Proffessional Terms

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?
" questioned the Judge,
"This court does not take annulments lightly."
"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback,
"When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end,
but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver." 

An old man was critically ill...

An old man was critically ill.
Feeling that death was near, he  called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer.
How much is it or the express degree
you told me about?"  "It's $50,000," the lawyer said.
"But why? You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?" 
"That's my business! Get me the course!" 
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyer was at his bedside,
making sure his bill would be paid. 
Suddenly the old man was racked
with fits of coughing and it was clear that
this would be the end. Still curious,
the lawyer leaned over and said,
"please, before it's too late, 
tell me why you wanted to to get a
law degree so badly before  you died?" 
In a faint whisper,
as he breathed his last, the old man said, 
"One less lawyer . . ."

Peanuts

Sitting at home one night with his wife,
a man is casually tossing peanuts into
the air and catching them in his mouth. 
As the couple take in the latest episode
of their favorite program, 
the man loses concentration for a split second,
and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in  forcing
the thing in awfully deep. 
After a few hours of fruitless rooting
the couple decide to go to the hospital,
 but on their way out of
the front door they meet their  daughter coming
in with her boyfriend. 
The boyfriend takes control of the situation;
he tells them he's studying medicine and that
they're not to worry about a thing.
He then sticks two fingers up
the man's nose and asks him to blow,
and low and behold, the nut shoots from
the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend
go through to the kitchen to  get drinks, the man and
his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So" the wife says,
"what do you think he'll become
after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose,
"by the smell of his fingers
I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." 

Bad news

A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine  the dead bodies before they were sent off
to be buried or cremated.  As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be  cremated, he made an amazing discovery.
Mr. Schwartz had the  longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician,
"but I can't send you off to be cremated
with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."   
With that, the mortician used his
tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.   
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said, and opened up his briefcase.  
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

All the same

An airplane takes off from the airport.
The Captain is Jewish and the  First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and  it's obvious, by the silence,
that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor.

That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese  not bomb Peahl Hahbah.
That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Chinese, Japanese,  Vietnamese...
it doesn't matter, you're all alike."  Another thirty  minutes of silence.
Finally, the First Officer says: "No like  Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic.
It was an iceberg."  "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."