Am I the first man....

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered
"Why do men always ask the same question?".

America on the map.

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

What is the longest word

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer,
can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle.
Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to
colleagues.Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees,
and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time.
Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work,
sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high
 accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field.
I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee,
the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12
promoted to executive management,
and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:  That idiot was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

A guy steps into an elevator and...

A guy steps into an elevator and there's
just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for
his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says,
"Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart
is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."
She looks at him a few seconds and says,
"That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
 I'm in room 204."

Merry...ied talk

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th  wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she  replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Proffessional Terms

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?
" questioned the Judge,
"This court does not take annulments lightly."
"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback,
"When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end,
but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver." 

An old man was critically ill...

An old man was critically ill.
Feeling that death was near, he  called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer.
How much is it or the express degree
you told me about?"  "It's $50,000," the lawyer said.
"But why? You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?" 
"That's my business! Get me the course!" 
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyer was at his bedside,
making sure his bill would be paid. 
Suddenly the old man was racked
with fits of coughing and it was clear that
this would be the end. Still curious,
the lawyer leaned over and said,
"please, before it's too late, 
tell me why you wanted to to get a
law degree so badly before  you died?" 
In a faint whisper,
as he breathed his last, the old man said, 
"One less lawyer . . ."

Peanuts

Sitting at home one night with his wife,
a man is casually tossing peanuts into
the air and catching them in his mouth. 
As the couple take in the latest episode
of their favorite program, 
the man loses concentration for a split second,
and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in  forcing
the thing in awfully deep. 
After a few hours of fruitless rooting
the couple decide to go to the hospital,
 but on their way out of
the front door they meet their  daughter coming
in with her boyfriend. 
The boyfriend takes control of the situation;
he tells them he's studying medicine and that
they're not to worry about a thing.
He then sticks two fingers up
the man's nose and asks him to blow,
and low and behold, the nut shoots from
the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend
go through to the kitchen to  get drinks, the man and
his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So" the wife says,
"what do you think he'll become
after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose,
"by the smell of his fingers
I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." 

Bad news

A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine  the dead bodies before they were sent off
to be buried or cremated.  As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be  cremated, he made an amazing discovery.
Mr. Schwartz had the  longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician,
"but I can't send you off to be cremated
with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."   
With that, the mortician used his
tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.   
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said, and opened up his briefcase.  
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

All the same

An airplane takes off from the airport.
The Captain is Jewish and the  First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and  it's obvious, by the silence,
that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor.

That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese  not bomb Peahl Hahbah.
That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Chinese, Japanese,  Vietnamese...
it doesn't matter, you're all alike."  Another thirty  minutes of silence.
Finally, the First Officer says: "No like  Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic.
It was an iceberg."  "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."